I like to think I’m not as prone to anxiety as I used to be but over the last couple of weeks it reared its’ head. Not in a huge lion’s roar kind of way but through exhaustion from battling allergies and worrying about my bank account. And every so often one nasty part of me would yell ‘Shut the f**k up!’ to the other part that keeps saying I’ll get through this. And I say nasty when in reality that part of me is scared. And although Fear is a constant companion, and I know I’m supposed to put in the back seat and not let it drive, it sure puts up one hell of a fight for a position up front.
But this morning as I was out walking my dog, I had a thought pop into my head: I can work the part-time schedule that I’m building and use the rest of the time to focus on my writing. It’s what I wanted to do all along and now I’m in a position to do that. I’ve got two delivery gigs to balance things out with one bringing in money very week. So what I’m trying to do here is tell myself I’m working things out.
The reason the above thought popped into my head is that I had a terrible thought before that: feeling guilty and stupid for writing in the first place. I mean, just when I think I’m truly over that type of thinking it rears its’ ugly head. It’s been dancing around the edges for a while and I’ve sensed its’ presence. But to actually hear it was something that kind of threw me for a loop. Yet when I write it down and read it back to myself, it deflates it and makes me realize it wasn’t a lead weight, but a balloon filled with hot air and bullshit.
The problem I have with even writing something like this is that I don’t want to think like this at all. Yes, I avoid it like the plague knowing full-well it will come back and bite me in the ass big-time. So I don’t want to actively avoid it but at the same time, I don’t want it to overwhelm me either.
What do you about this kind of crap then?
I think I want to do a Lady Gaga after the Super Bowl: ignore the heck out of it and just keep doing what I need to do, and what I want to do.
And quote this in honor of not only Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), but all women who keep going no matter what: She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.