I really wanted to title this ‘My Unicorn Doesn’t Poop Rainbows’ but I didn’t want to use the word ‘poop’ in the title. Not because it makes me sound like a twelve year-old, but because most people don’t want to talk about poop. But this morning, that’s kind of what I feel like. I got dropped last night with another sinus-allergy attack and I’m still trying to shake it off this morning. Because of that I’m moody as hell and alternating between wanting to kick the crap of something or crying. I’m not going to do either one but instead, try to calm myself down and find something that makes me smile.
Days like today make me wish I could be all hearts-and-rainbows with my writing and myself but that’s not how I’m feeling. And that is still a struggle for me to express and the urge to delete this whole thing is considerable. But I’ve told myself I won’t delete a blog entry that has become one in a series of me thinking out loud. It seems like a lot of people think blogs should be about a particular topic or group of related topics. Yeah, it seems I didn’t get that memo or if I did I threw it in the trash. Story of my life- either I’m a day late and ten dollars short, or I threw something out I shouldn’t have.
I guess I’m feeling behind the eight-ball here again and I’m just trying to work through it. I know a lot of my problems stem from the fact that I live inside my head most of the time and because of that, I think too much. It’s hard sometimes to find the calm inside the riot of thoughts and feelings because I do have feelings, strong ones that surge pretty hard sometimes. I try to blame the hardest surges on hormonal bullshit but I don’t think that’s always the case. I think that a lot of those surges are just me being human, and feeling pissed off sometimes. And I think that’s what I need to remind myself: I’m human, and that I’m not a unicorn always pooping rainbows.
Writers aren’t known for self-confidence (even the arrogant ego-centric pricks were deeply insecure) so it’s a constant battle. So what keeps that battle raging? For me, it’s wondering how I’m going to make it sometimes and also waiting for the Universe to take a dump on me. I have to give myself faith every day and find that faith in the world around me every day, too. And I think that can be exhausting sometimes and I think I get upset when I have to wage that battle. But then I tell myself I’m not the only one doing this, and that it doesn’t make me any better or any worse than anyone else. I’m just nuts enough to admit here and write about it. Yes, writing is a form of therapy for me and not a bad one. A lot of times once I burn it out on the page here I start to feel better.
For writers, the written word is our voice. And that voice is always in a constant state of flux, change, evolution, and going through storms. It’s the price you pay for living inside your head and thinking too much. I guess I’m just trying to not to be too much of a jerk about it. I don’t want anyone to think I have the answers because I still haven’t gotten to all the questions yet sometimes.
So I think my unicorn is more like a plodding donkey. And I don’t say that to garner sympathy or anything remotely like that. I say that because that’s who I am, someone who just plods along more often than not just trying to get through things. But I will also tell you not to be so hard on yourself when you are plodding along like a donkey. Donkeys get things done sooner or later and also, don’t let anyone get to you who gives you shit about being like that. I wasted way too much time on that but now I barely think about it.
That’s why this hasn’t been deleted, but posted.