I feel like I have so much energy when I’m up and doing things around my apartment but then I sit down in front of my laptop here and I almost feel like a balloon with a slow leak. As a writer I’ve always known that facing the blank page is one of the scariest parts of writing itself. Maybe that blank page is a metaphor for my life in general.
Without going into too much detail, I’m behind the eight-ball financially though slowly climbing out around it. Everyone’s been awesome about working with me and all I can tell you that if you’re nice to people they’ll be nice to you. Right now the only paying gig I have is Uber and it’s a good gig though you’ve got to keep the faith when you’re on the road waiting for a pickup. But it all works out and everyone’s been really cool on the road, too (though not the lady who ran up my backside yesterday on I-10 and didn’t realize I was boxed in and had nowhere else to go).
But there’s something else that I’ve been thinking about the last couple of weeks: for about a decade or so I’ve toyed with the idea of starting up a personal-assistant type of business. It would be services like writing and editing content, basic desktop publishing, notary-public services, etc. And what’s held me back from that has been one thing that I’m still working on: confidence. I’ve never been a personal or administrative assistant in a professional office-type setting though I’ve done tasks like that from time to time in my former corporate life. What I have done is that kind of stuff on my own (except the notary services and I’d just need a few bucks there to get licensed by the state and get some basic training materials).
Over the last two weeks though, off and on of course, I’ve been working out the idea of what I want to do with this personal assistant gig and using one guiding philosophy: I can make my own experiences. I can show what I can do by example and put it out there for people to see then offer to help with their own individual jobs.
Because one of the most frustrating things I’ve been dealing with for the last month or so since I lost my last W-2 gig is this: applying for jobs, getting the occasional interview, then nothing after that. And right now, I’m not even getting phone calls or emails back about anything I’ve got out there. Over the last few years I’ve been told I’ve either got too much experience, or no experience at all and the no-experience thing ticks me off because how in the f**king hell are you supposed to get experience if no one will give you a chance? I mean, they advertise jobs as entry-level but what that really means is they’ll pay you peanuts but want someone else to have trained you. It’s like they almost think they’re doing you a great favor by even granting you an audience, and I’m just sick and tired of that damn attitude. People rag on things like Uber but right now they’re the only people putting me to work without that kind of bulls**t. What I want to do is have more than that. I want something of my own that no one can take from me.
Right now I’ve set a deadline to launch this new venture in four weeks because I need to raise a few bucks to get the basics of it up and running. It’s a good thing I know how to work with next to nothing and live on next to nothing. And all I’m looking to do is work for myself because I’m the best boss I’ve ever had, and make enough to live on and hopefully more to not only survive, but climb out of the freaking financial hole I’ve been in for so damn long.
And here’s an interesting thing: I’ve told a few people about this business idea of mine and they’ve been awesome about it. And they didn’t have to be like that because they could have said I was full of s**t or just given me a verbal pat on the butt, or blown me off completely. Though I will say that I spoke about the idea with confidence and I think confidence makes it real. Keeping that confidence is the tough part and what I seem to be battling hard right now.
I mean, it’s a battle for me to post this right now. I’m so used to keep things to myself that it’s hard for me to share. Yet I feel a need to share what’s going on with the world and I know that I’ll need to do that in order to get this business idea of mine off the ground. But I will freely admit this is not easy for me as I’ve been terribly shy and insecure all my life. Because for all my moments of confidence and clarity, I have moments of just the opposite.
So in the end, I know that I need to listen to my own advice and keep the faith. As my grandmother used to say with faith you either had it or you didn’t, no in between. She was right though I will admit to having a sometimes slippery hold on faith in general and especially in myself. That’s because I’ve been so hard on myself all my life but as an adult even more so. And though I’m not near as hard on myself now as I used to be, I think I’m still being tough on myself by pouring on the sadness and challenging my faith in myself instead.
I think as long as I see this up-and-down crap for what it is I can get through it. I will also say lifting weights and brief meditation seems to help, too. And doing one more read-through on this before posting. 😊