Over the last few months, my writing output ebbed and flowed and at times, dried up altogether. But in the end, when it began flowing it became cheap therapy that was only cheap because it didn’t drain my bank account. But it did one heck of a number on my mind, heart, and soul even though I’ve come out on the other side.
At times, it felt like I was battling a storm from Hell on the Bearing Sea. And if you’ve ever seen the show ‘The Deadliest Catch’ you’ll get a really strong visual on that. Towering waves of icy-cold salt water crashing over the deck, waves hitting the boat so hard they almost knock it to its’ side, and the ever-present fear of one wave taking the boat down to the bottom of the ocean. Now I’ve never thought about going to the bottom of the ocean on my own (suicide) and I’m not lying on that. I’ve always thought about just crawling away somewhere and never coming out. But I know that’s not the answer either so like those crab boats on the Bearing Sea, I soldier on. Because after all, storms don’t last forever.
And that’s the big thing I’ve always learned from writing things out: nothing lasts forever either good or bad. My father used to say life was both and that you just had to accept and deal with that. When I started writing again a couple of months ago, almost everything I wrote got deleted. And that’s okay because not all writing deserves to see the light of day. Sometimes the blank page is a therapist who works for no money at all, just time and emotional equity.
And by the way, difficulty writing isn’t just limited to non-fiction either. Fiction writing can sometimes stir up some pretty intense stuff and be used as a form of writing therapy, too. I wouldn’t say writers as a whole are neurotic nut-balls, but if you really get into writing and keep coming back to it no matter how long you’re away from it, you know you’ve got the strength and endurance to get through emotional storms. So I’m going to tell myself here that although I probably won’t ever set foot on a boat in the middle of the Bearing Sea, I can do what those guys do in my own way.
I had planned out a schedule of writing with this blog but as always, I seem to be deviating from it. That’s alright because this is my blog and I call the shots here. If I hold back on something, I have my reasons and don’t need to disclose why unless I want to. And that need for privacy is something that should be respected with every person.
In another way I’m like those fishermen in Alaska, I know that if I work through the storm that there could be one heck of a payoff at the end. I haven’t hit the jackpot yet but I’m happy where I’m at because I can see the road I want to take.
I’m not knocking conventional therapy in any way, shape, or form. I believe in it with all my heart and soul and I have the upmost respect and admiration for people who seek professional help. To me, that’s strength and courage. I’m just broke as hell right now and not in that much need. I actually have a pretty sunny outlook right now despite being flat-broke and living out of a suitcase. As I’ve said to people, I won’t exchange the freedom I have in my life for the one I left two years ago. I’ve made mistakes along the way but so has everyone else. I’ve done my best to fix what I can, and learn from the rest. And a lot of that I learned from writing things down (or typing them on my laptop here like I’m doing this now).
I know writing is recommended for people to work through their thoughts and feelings and I will add to that recommendation. But I will say that if you really get into writing be prepared. Because like stepping onto a crab boat in the Bearing Sea, you’re going to hit by more than a few storms, empty crab pots, and situations that will push you. And as I like to say, you don’t know what you can handle until you’re faced with it. For me, as long as I can write, I know I can figure things out.