Yes, I deliberately chose to re-launch my website-blog here on what is my forty-fourth birthday. And the reason I’ve chosen this date is I realized I needed to stop waiting and make this happen. Is the timing ideal for me? Heck no. I’m currently living out of a suitcase and flat-broke, but life is not a series of perfectly-timed events.
The reason this website-blog went dark a few months ago is a bit of a long story but let me just say that I had a bit of a crash-and-burn and am picking up the pieces and moving forward in my life. Over the last six months I’ve had a lot of time to think, and not just about the crash-and-burn, and not just about the last two years since I left my last call-center job, but about my entire life.
And the conclusion I’ve come to is this: I’ve been silent for too damn long. All my life I have lived in fear that has been almost choking in its’ intensity at the thought of breaking out of my hard-shell of shyness and anxiety. Because all my life I’ve had a terrible fear that if I truly broke out of that shell and lived my life without being shy and anxious about everything, that someone would come along and do whatever they could to silence me. Yes, I seriously thought that there was someone out there who would shove me back into my shell and weld the only door shut. That’s the voice of fear and anxiety lying its’ ass off but it’s taken me until now to truly realize that and call bullshit on those two asshole-thoughts.
I know there are people in this world who will not agree with what I say, or how I live my life, or just hate the fact that I freaking exist as I am. The thing is, I’ve been terribly ostracized and excluded for being me, and so many people have thought that my silence and shyness was me being a stuck-up snob.
Being a stuck-up snot-faced bitch was the last thing that was on my mind. If I kept my mouth shut and stayed out of everyone’s way it was because I thought that was the best thing I could do. I have never wanted to be a burden, or an annoyance with anyone.
But being quiet and shy does not mean someone is stuck-up so if you think that, take that thought and choke on it with a pile of your own shit. And I will not follow that last statement with an apology for its’ bluntness because there’s no excuse for judging someone without listening to them or getting to know them at all. I have never known a terribly shy person to be a stuck-up snot. In fact, all the stuck-up snots I’ve known have been loud-mouths who never bothered to hide their suck-assed stuck-up attitude.
Again, no apologies for the rant of the above paragraph as this is what you can expect here from now on. If I want to let it rip on asshole-behavior, I will. For far too long, I believed in tolerance for shitty attitudes and behavior because I thought that was what was best. It wasn’t because my silent tolerance didn’t do a damn thing to change anyone, and I’m sure my speaking out against bad behavior won’t do so either past a certain point. People make the decision whether or not to change themselves regardless of whatever you say or do (or don’t do).
And I’ve made my decision to come out of my shell on my own terms. Those terms that I live by are:
– First, do no harm to anyone or anything.
– Second, try to keep fear and anger in check, and realize both those bastards will lie their freaking asses off if given any opportunity to do so.
– Third, always remember that everyone has a story to tell. It’s the story of their life that they’re living and unless they’re literally getting in your shit, leave them to live out that story.
– Fourth, remember that everyone else is just as full of shit as you are sometimes in that we all make mistakes. But making mistakes and not having all the answers doesn’t make you a bad person; it means you’re human.
In addition to coming out of my shell and only going back into it to sleep, I want to put my past behind me once and for all. That will be a journey I will be sharing with you here with the ‘Breaking Radio Silence’ book project. That’s a book that I’m calling a memoire/self-help hybrid that I’m still working on.
In addition to that, I’ll also be letting loose on topics of a political, social, and religious nature. Yes, I will be wading into that area of the world, too. I’ve been too damn silent in regards to that area of life and holding back hasn’t helped the cause of fighting against the injustice of the world we live in. Corruption of any kind is wrong, whether it’s political or moral and writing about it is my first step towards fighting that.
But I’m also a writer so there will be weekly entries on writing topics and the business side of writing. Since my goal is to make a living with my writing, this will be about my journey and like everything else here, it will be an honest one.
In the end, I hope that anyone who reads this gets something out of it. I want anyone reading this to know that they’re not alone in this world, and that other people have had thoughts and feelings just like theirs. I know I’m not the only person on the planet that has felt alone and isolated all their lives. I just want other people to know that you don’t have to be silent. You don’t have to go public like I’m doing but you can find your own way to break free from fear and anxiety, and all around petty-ass bullshit-people even if it’s just in your own mind.
So on my forty-fourth birthday, I will be going forward one step at a time.
I will tell myself every day that everyone is just as full of shit as I am sometimes, but that I’m not a bad person.
I will tell myself that everyone has a story to tell and live, and to do whatever I can to keep their story going in any positive way I can.
Most of all, I won’t retreat, or go silent ever again.