Warning: Seriously bad language here but since this honest-and-searing writing, no apology given, just a warning.
For the last week or so I’ve kind of been avoiding the world of people except when I absolutely have to. Now I will freely admit most of my real interactions with people are on social media via an internet connection but they’re still interactions. Also, I haven’t posted much on Facebook and I haven’t blogged in forever, too. This morning as I sat in bed with my dog cuddled up against me, I realized why.
The thought I had was this: I’m beginning to peel back the layers I’ve placed over myself and my writing. My writing is what I feel is my primary form of self-expression since I’m a class-A recluse most of the time. I like writing funny, jokey, or navel-gazing stuff that ultimately turns positive. But there is this part of me that’s calling bullshit on some of that. I tell myself that my funny/jokey/navel-gazer-positive-thinking persona is real, but I also have a persona whose humor is as black as shit sometimes, whose jokes are class-A sarcasm, and who is tired of navel-gazing where I’m supposed to only look up and smile afterwards.
I don’t want to freaking smile and laugh about shit all the damn time. I want to be honest. And my writing over the last few days has been really honest, and absolutely searing at times. I’ve shown a little of it off in the past and pretty much gotten a yawn, which is fine. I’m not looking for a twenty-four hour news-cycle blast for what I’m doing. But I’m glad that I have found a tiny ounce of courage to go forward with this more honest-and-searing way of thinking.
Because like so many people, especially women, there is this need to put on a smile when all you want to do is scream, cuss someone out, or just tell the world to go to Hell and also say the good old days really sucked sometimes. That last part has really helped me as it was something my mother said and am now really beginning to understand. Yes, there were good times in the past but there was also a lot of shit. I may not come forth with all of it, but I’m not going to paste a smile over it and try to smother it into silence either.
Because right now I really want to say that at times I feel like my life and my attitude are a total pile of stinking shit. I get pissed off about a lot of shit and once I’m done being pissed off I tell it to piss off altogether. And I’m really getting to the point where I honestly don’t give a shit what anyone might think. Because as I write this I don’t feel that old stupid fear of someone’s going to stomp me into a pile of nothing or come and take what little I have. If someone honestly wants to make that much of a damn effort to stomp me into a pile of human shit, then there probably isn’t much I can do about it. But since I don’t know anyone with that much anger at me I honestly can say that I’m just thinking about the boogey man and we all know how fake he is. And if someone wants to take what little I have, I probably won’t be able to stop them either.
I’ve gotten low, yes. But my lower-than-low is wanting to run off and live in the wild and never see another human being again. Yet it’s not people in general that piss me off. It’s their freaking bullshit that tries to ruin perfectly-good things for no other reason than their own freaking stupidity and ego. You can’t fix stupid as the old saying goes, but you also can’t reason with it or teach it either. Stupidity is just a lack of information altogether while ignorance is forcing information to fit in a way that doesn’t always work then verbally kicking the crap out of someone for defying that.
Maybe I should be nicer but I’ve tried to be nice and whatnot and all I’ve gotten is a pile of shit in return. I would love to go back to the happy-go-lucky, look-towards-the-sunny-side-of-life kind of thing and I’m sure that persona will return at some point in time. Honestly, I really do like that sunny-side of me but sometimes she just needs to sit it out, too. And today she’s taking a break and sitting on the beach reading a book and sipping on a margarita for me.
In the past I’ve always shied away from fire-and-fury telling myself I can’t run on it forever and it’s a waste of energy anyway. First, I’m not an idiot and I know I can’t run on one thing forever so I call bullshit on that. Second, energy is only wasted if it’s hoarded or forced into submission. And third, it’s alright to get pissed off and defiant about shit and not apologize for it. Because one thing I’m really happy to see here with this set of words today is a lack of apologies, or fucks given. The only fuck I want is one that brings me an orgasm, not an apology that’s unnecessary to begin with.